California’s governor recently engaged in podcast dialogues with ultra-Conservative Republican Steve Bannon and conspiracy theorist Charlie Kirk. Some say it’s part of Newsom’s campaign to win the Democratic nomination for President in 2028. But Gavin Newsom can and has to do better than that if he wants to demonstrate his talent for navigating the political spectrum and please his own state en route to election as the next president of the United States.
While Donald Trump is calling for an American takeover of Canada, and wants to make our northern neighbor the 51st state, he has gone about it the wrong way. Or so Newsom ought to say. Although I’ve not been paid by Newsom for writing a speech, and I seek no personal gain by offering him this advice, I can see him winning considerable praise if he calls a press conference and announces:
Ladies and gentlemen, friends of all genders, you’ve heard the White House propose to make Canada the 51st state in our union, but I’m going to do more than talk about it. This afternoon I am asking state legislators to enact a new universal healthcare plan that is the same as Canada’s. California is going to take Canada’s health care system as its own, create one just like it here, and set an example for the rest of the country.
As the first state with Canada’s universal health care, we’ll show the White House how it’s done. Canada’s publicly funded healthcare system, mostly free services, will soon be available across California.
I understand a few cities in our state already have decent health plans. Healthy San Francisco, which former Sup. Tom Ammiano and his supporters enacted, is one of the few, if any municipal health care systems that seeks to provide some level of universal care. But soon our whole state will benefit from a system that should be started in all 51 states. We can make America great again, at least in its health care, by taking Canada’s example.
Of course, the current occupant of the Oval Office in Washington will protest. “We’re eliminating government programs, not starting them! RFK Junior isn’t going to like this! He’d be here himself to say so, but he’s too busy trying to find a vaccine-free cure for bird flu!” Trump could cry.
After inviting Donald Trump to discuss their difference of opinion in a podcast, Newsom can explain to the president that if he wants Canada, he’s going to have to take its health plan, too. They’re inseparable, and that’s a good place to begin the takeover, because most Americans would welcome free healthcare, too.
“But it will cost them! Universal healthcare in Canada is paid through taxes,” Trump complains after RFK Jr. rushes in and passes him a note with that information.
“Mr. President,” the governor replies, “if you’ll want my advice, every state in America can afford to take over Canada’s health plan; it will cost much less than privatized medical care, and drugs will cost less. And you can have the first installment of the plan paid by a famous, wealthy Canadian citizen. You know Elon Musk is Canadian! He owes America a lot of back taxes he should have paid on Tesla and Space X earnings. And you can pay the rest with those exorbitant tariff fees you’ll collect on Canadian imports.”
Trump: And I thought Musk was a South African Apartheid baby.
Newsom: He’s Canadian by birth. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been paying taxes for most of his profits in the United States.
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Trump: He’s already given me about $290 million, I can’t say anything bad about him, not at those rates. And he’s spending millions more to influence an election in Wisconsin.
Newsom: Ask him to buy the Canadian health plan for California, and start America’s takeover of Canada. I might even buy a Tesla if Musk contributes enough.
Trump: I’ll sell you mine, it’s red, and hardly ever driven.
Newsom: I prefer my state’s limo.
Trump: I like limos too. like your way of thinking, Gavin, it’s not perfect (only mine is); but how would you like to be the next Secretary of State?
Joel Schechter has written several books on parody.
