A $50,000 Rolex faces deportation

APRIL 1, 2025—Editor’s Note: Our correspondent appears to have been accidentally linked to a White House Signal chat that we’re reprinting here. We expect the White House will deny this ever took place; but the following conversation about Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem’s visit to a prison in El Salvador, and the references to San Francisco’s Tesla Takedown and Noem’s expensive wristwatch, have not yet been published anywhere else, and we couldn’t resist the scoop.

“Kristi, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop wearing that Rolex to prisons.”

“You didn’t like the El Salvador photo op, Don?”

“I love your look, you’re gorgeous, fantastic in that tight white sweatshirt, I wanted to hug you, and I know I can tell you that without your yelling #metoo.”

“I’m not going to call you out, Don. Your enemies would say it’s deeply depraved for me to pose like a model in front of caged men who were deprived of all their rights, kidnapped off the streets of American cities, or maybe taken off a soccer field, and locked in a private prison in El Salvador. The ACLU will argue it’s unconstitutional and unAmerican.”

“Not the photograph, the photo’s a work of art. I’m tempted to hang it in the Kennedy Center, but there’s one small drawback….”

“The blue Homeland Security hat I wore was too gauche?”

“I love baseball caps, Kristi, but next time wear a red one.”

“I’ll fire my dresser this afternoon. Or should I send her to prison in El Salvador?”

“Better her than you, eh? But there is one problem about the photo, Kristi.”

“It’s missing the judge! You want the American judge who demanded due process for the prisoners locked up too, don’t you?”

“Yes, absolutely, but there’s another problem with the photo, Kristi… your wristwatch….”

“My Rolex Cosmograph Daytona that retails for $50,000 is quite lovely, isn’t it? And so visible, it’s hanging all over my wrist. But I couldn’t wear it in a safer place than El Salvador’s Terrorism Confinement Center. The prisoners kept asking me what time it was. But the watch was protected by armed guards.”

“I know, you were much safer in that prison than you would be on the streets of New York, but….”

“Or Washington, you and I can’t walk alone in Washington, can we, Don? Just the two of us.”

“Not to mention San Francisco. I wouldn’t walk there without a few armed guards.”

“With all due respect, chief, you would need a platoon of bodyguards to accompany you in San Francisco.”

“They have a lot of Venezuelans, do they?”

“Worse, a huge Tesla Takedown every Saturday. Blocks filled with anti-Muskers. You could be forced to read a placard that says ‘Girlcott Tesla.”

“Maybe we can send a few of those San Francisco security threats to El Salvador.”

“The prison holds 40,000. I think they have a few cells left for Americans.”

“They better hold a few for us—I mean for our prisoners. I gave the jailer a $6 million advance.”

“High price for a photo op.”

“Not if you reshoot it, kid, I want you to go back there without the Rolex. Deport the wristwatch.”

“You want it sent back to Switzerland?”

“Or sell it on Ebay, just get rid of it and I’ll give you a Donald Trump Signature Gold Tone Silver Dial 3-Hand Date Watch, Limited Edition to wear. 

“My phone tells me your limited 3-Hand retails for $105. I never wore one of those. Don’t tell me they’re not selling?”

“That’s why we call it a limited edition. I want you to wear my 3-Hand in next photo session. Get it seen, and not just by the prisoners. You can also wear the Trump Victory Tourbillon, the watch that costs $100,000 and has more than 100 diamonds.”

“That’s an offer I can’t refuse.”

“Call me when you get to El Salvador. And tell me what you’re wearing.”

“Wearing now?  You want to have phone sex?  You know these Signal chats can be hacked.”

“I want you to be overheard. Call me on Signal from El Salvador. And tell the boys behind bars what time it is.  My wristwatches need the publicity.”

Joel Schechter has written several books on satire