I was walking down Market Street on Saturday with a few hundred other San Franciscans to protest the recent American invasion of Venezuela, when I stopped to listen to two experts on international affairs debate the latest crisis.
A bearded fellow wearing an “Anti-Imperialist Social Club” sweatshirt was arguing with a patriotic gentleman in a red, white and blue top hat who was waving an American flag.
“These criminals have terrorized Venezuela. They intimidate, kidnap, even kill to take what they want,” said the anti-imperialist.
“You’re talking about the Venezuelan gang Tren de Aragua?” asked the patriot, slowly waving his flag as anti-war protesters marched past.
“No, I’m talking about armed men who work for the United States and recently kidnapped Nicolas Maduro, Trump’s army,” answered the Social Clubber.
“The American soldiers are not members of Tren de Aragua, that’s not possible. They don’t engage in extortion, kidnapping, contract killings, or do they?” wondered the flag-waver, wavering himself.
“They’re also notorious for their tattoos,” the anti-imperialist continued, “Have you ever seen the tattoos on Pete Hegseth?”
“But Hegseth’s tattoos celebrate Christian nationalism. ‘Deus vult,’ ‘God wills it‘ is engraved on a bicep,” said the patriot, well-versed in tattoo lore, but no more so than the Anti-Imperialist Social Club speaker who said:
“I would be the first to admit that Hegseth’s tattoo of an AR-15 rifle backed by an American flag isn’t the usual Venezuelan gang insignia; he could pass for a patriotic Iraq war veteran. And I know tattoos aren’t proof of criminal behavior. But we should have listened more carefully to Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche when he warned, “Tren de Aragua is a terrorist cartel that exploits our borders to bring murder, drugs, and chaos into American communities.”
What is it if not a gang bringing chaos into American communities and across borders when Trump’s troops invade Venezuela and Nigeria as well as Los Angeles, Chicago, Portland and Washington, D.C.?
“I admit the president’s involvement with drugs probably goes no further than daily doses of aspirin and some Propecia—which is used as a remedy for hair loss and prostate issues. Drug-taking is not his greatest vice.
“But the White House gang is quite dangerous, fully armed, ‘locked and loaded,’ to use his words. If they’re not Tren de Aragua, they’re a rival gang out to eliminate the competition.”
The flag-waver now turned his banner upside down, signaling distress. Before he walked away he said:
“I hadn’t thought of that. Trump is replacing Tren de Araguawith his own thugs. And I thought he just wanted to control Venezuela’s oil.”
Having finished his debate, the anti-imperialist rejoined the anti-war protesters at San Francisco’s Civic Center, where they had regrouped around the statue of Simon Bolivar.
Seated on his horse, the liberator of Venezuela didn’t look anything like Donald Trump or Pete Hegseth.
Joel Schechter has written several books on satire.
