Dear Elon Musk:
I recently visited the Mars exhibit in San Francisco’s Exploratorium, and thought of you. I understand that you want to be there. You want one of your space ships to land among the uninhabited volcanoes, craters, and canyons that are reproduced on the Exploratorium’s artistic copy of Mars. You’re ready for another world, possibly because you’ve already conquered earth.
You now have access to the most valuable parts of America—the Bureau of the Treasury’s computer system, the president’s ear (the healed one). But our planet’s so crowded, you’d prefer to have a planet all to yourself. The Exploratorium model of Mars is much smaller in scale than the orb you want to occupy; but looking at it, I can imagine you settling there, enjoying the luxury of your own private globe.
This week I also read the latest issue of the Mars Society Newsletter. You probably did too. No doubt it pleased you, as it happily reported the progress you and your admirer in the White House are making toward landing on Mars. As the January newsletter said:
“America now has a once-in-a-generation opportunity to open the space frontier by initiating a sustained program of human exploration of Mars. Elon Musk’s SpaceX Starship launch system will soon be operational, offering payload delivery capability comparable to a Saturn V Moon rocket at about five percent of the cost. Musk has positioned himself close to President Donald Trump, who at his inauguration in January promised that his administration would be “launching American astronauts to plant the Stars and Stripes on the planet Mars.” As far as meeting the central political and technical conditions for making a bold reach to the Red Planet are concerned, it’s game on.”
Regrettably, as the January report notes, a few obstacles are delaying your Mars takeover. The anticipated interplanetary flight is not scheduled to take place before 2031, by which time your Oval Office patron could be watching Fox News in the Trump Presidential Library instead of the White House, and someone else’s appointee might be running NASA. Worse yet, according to the Mars Society, the government agency that should lead the project—the National Aeronautics and Space Administration—is “currently not competent.” Of course that would be the case, since you and your staff are not yet heading it.
This is where you, Elon, are needed to improve the speed and efficiency with which America takes over Mars. Now that you are reported to have control over the federal budget, including computer access to the federal payroll (although Congress may try to stop you, but probably won’t), you should be able to redirect funds toward full-speed preparations for a successful Mars landing.
Funds formerly approved for public education, scientific research, disaster relief and renewable energy infrastructure can be redirected to the Space X interplanetary travel fund. Your ship to Mars might be able to blast off before the end of 2025, and I expect to see you on board, manning the controls. Who’s better qualified?
The president and vice president might want to accompany you, to be among the first Americans who occupy Mars. Could you also offer Jeff Bezos a seat? He enjoys space exploration too. Or maybe he’ll want to fly in his own ship. Perhaps Mark Zuckerberg can take his place. Or would you prefer to be alone?
I suspect many of your countrymen and women (no other genders need be recognized, right?) would welcome your 2025 solo flight to Mars, departing next month if possible; to please them as well as yourself, your departure should be engineered as fast as possible.
Perhaps the return flight may not be planned before you leave, but that could be a bonus; speculation about the date of your return, and whether return is scientifically possible before 2031, will keep you in the news.
May your voyage begin soon! Meanwhile, I am asking San Francisco’s Exploratorium to build and display a model of your Space X Mars ship with you and the president inside. That is the least they can do honor you.
Joel Schechter has written several books on satire.
