The Doormat Division: Whiners beat the Quitters!

GIANTS 21, 49ers 31

We couldn’t wait for this game to arrive. Yesterday, me, ‘Fish, the Commish, Elvis, Jimbo and Moose packed into the Doormat headquarters and, with baited breath, tuned in the TV promptly at 1:25pm.  You know, next time we need to take some snacks with us on those early morning fishing trips. If you get my meaning. If you get my breath.

The score is a lie. Think 49ers 31, Giants 6. Think 49ers 53, Giants -21. This was no contest. The Gnats…how did they even win a game? Oh, they beat the Broncos. They’re in the Mariana Trench now, they’re the Quitinskies of quittin-est quitters from Queens! Yes, I know they’re not really in Queens. The Whiners knew they were in trouble early when 49er QB C.J. Beathard dropped back to pass and…there was a pocket.  “Hey COACH, look at this!”  He had time and a half, and his receivers were blowing past nonchalant linebackers and deferential defensive backs like it was a company picnic and the boss was the wide receiver. Wow, great moves, Boss!  

The 49ers led by four points at the half — THEIR BIGGEST LEAD OF THE SEASON!!  That musta been one shocked halftime locker room. They had no answers — they were gonna win. The Giants made the 49ers look like a contender. Both teams have nearly half their original rosters on the IR, so who knows who is suiting up, but…the Giants just look like our NFC champs already, and they’re doing it by just flat giving it up.

The Flailing Giants have seven more games of mailing in to accomplish, a mountain of losing left to do, which is gonna be no problem if they don’t fire coach McAdoo. I’m checking ESPN about every two minutes to see if….nope, McAdoo is still there. Well, McAdoo or don’t, this team is a W on everybody else’s schedule. 

It’s fun to watch a hapless team like the 49ers suddenly be laying down crushing blocks, stopping half-hearted blitzes, not punting until the 4th quarter, and throwing bombs for 83 yards to a streaking WR as if they do this every week. WR Marquis Goodwin, after catching the magnificent bomb from Beathard, fighting off a DB and scampering into the end zone, was clearly overcome with emotions and his teammates mobbed him. It was not because his team had finally had a long pass play (longest since 2005) for a TD. It wasn’t because the 49ers finally were doing something right.  

It was this: He and his wife lost a child that morning when there were complications with his wife’s childbirth and the premature baby did not survive. How a guy can even go out and play a football game after something like that is beyond me, though I understand going out and playing your brains out would at least be a distraction, and wow did he put in a helluva game. The Red and Gold picked a good time to win a game, however small bit of consolation it may have been. At least they did that.  

My final word on the Giants — it’s curious, when you live in the Basement, to watch a team that thought they were gonna be contenders, just give up. It’s hard to adjust to the dim lighting and the possum nest by the broken washing machine, but, c’mon guys, stop being so glum. You aren’t special, OK? You’re just like us.

Well, you know how it is with victories- Doormats usually follow it up with getting hammered the next game. But it is against hated rival Seattle, who seem to be trying to gain entry into our club. You might want to tune it in. The Whines may think they have a chance.



                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         1-9           174      260     -68

NY GIANTS               1-8           150      238     -88

TAMPA BAY              3-6           173      208     -35

CHICAGO                 3-6            150     194     -44

ARIDZONA               4-5            155     223     -68



                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-9          143      240      -97

INDIANAPOLIS         3-7          179      280      -101

DENVER                    3-6          166     239       -73

CINCINNATI              3-6          149      182      -33

LA CHARGERS         3-6          167     172       -5

HOUSTON                 3-6           236     241       -5


There’s only one winless team left — the Brownouts. They played with fire yesterday, and nearly torched their season. Hue Jackson, denied a perfect season last year, is on a mission now. Leading 24-17 in the third quarter, the Blank Helmets pulled out their secret weapon, a vicious sequence of 3 and outs, coupled with masterfully incorrect defensive alignments to slam 21 points onto the Kittens side of the scoreboard and escape the Kat Box with a hard-earned loss. Browns QB Deshone Kizer did a Doormat all-star attempt with a failed QB sneak (not the called play) from the 2 as time ran out in the 2nd quarter, and…they couldn’t line up in time for the next play and POOF! No points.  Hue Jackson actually pulled himself out of ‘resigned displeasure’ for a moment there, and got upset. COACH, calm down.  Your guys got this.  Odd stat of the day:  Browns went 4-4 on 4th down.  


The Steelers are starting to make a habit out of looking like they are going to lose, and then, yawn, getting into the kitchen and whipping up a few touchdowns just before the timer goes off. The Clots led 17-3 before waking up and punting as if their lives depended on it. And, when that wasn’t quite enough, Colts QB Jacoby Brisset delivered an INT at his own 12, and the defense took it from there, getting the stunned Steelers into the endzone. But it was still only tied.  The Clots punted again, but the Steelers missed a field goal attempt, so the Colts punted AGAIN, and, with just 3 minutes to go, masterfully got the Steelers all the way down the field to kick the game winner with 0:00 on the clock. 

Colts (3-7) gain some separation from the rest of the AFC pack (3-6).  


We asked for it, and we got it. The Bears can lose to the Rodgers-less Packers, and they keep their reputation intact. But it was nip-and-tuck all the way to the last play. Bears coach John Fox is the most entertaining angry sideline coach in football. Somebody get him an agent in L.A. 


How’s that song go?  “I am 17, going on 18…”  no? It should be. Two weeks ago, the Bills were 5-2. It’s been 17 years since the Bills have made the playoffs. Now, after yesterday’s complete dive-bomb in front of the hometown fans, they’re 5-4.  How deep does the snow get in Buffalo, anyway?  


There they go, our Lambies, thrashing another descending team. This elevator goes all the way to the basement, Houston. Houston did the best thing an aspiring Doormat team can do, come out of the halftime pep talk and give up 21 points in the 3rd.  Pow!


Does anybody blow more games at the last second than the Chagrins? How DO they keep doing it? Philip Rivers, the loudest QB in football, found himself in overtime, along with his teammates (more or less), and fired up a 50 yard bomb from his 10, which was intercepted, and run back to the LA 2.  But, that great new Doormat penalty play, taunting, got executed to perfection by the Jags with A. Colvin pointing his finger at Rivers (who made the tackle) and saying Nya-nya-nya-na-nyaaa-nyaaaaaa!!!  15 yards!  Still, the Jags, though they don’t really know what they’re doing with that winning record, couldn’t blow it.  You can’t against the Los Angeles Game Blowers, charrrrrging to defeat like nobody else.  

BUCS 15, JETS 10

Bucs QB Ryan Fitzpatrick avoids thinking he’s still on the Jets, (or the Bills, Rams, Titans, or Texans) throws only one interception, and the Jets take care of the rest, airing out seven punts and waiting until the end of the game (00:28) to score a touchdown. Is it safe? Look out Basement, the Jets are elbowing in, like they were supposed to this year.


The Seahawks get 12 first downs, go 3-13 on 3rd down, rack up 12 penalties for 108 yards, give the Cardinals SIX first downs on penalties (season high by a wide margin), and, yet, win the game. This despite wearing the single most hideous lime green uniforms ever paraded in front of 127,278 brutalized eyeballs (assuming two per fan) with a garish neon green artificial turf background, an experience from which sane people will never recover. They are trying so hard. 

The Seahags, attempting to become a Doormat member, just can’t get it right, and it’s all about the second half. Watch the Crudinals and learn, boys. Hold your 2nd half output to a field goal, tops, and then punt punt punt – and if you can’t hand over some turnovers, at least wait until there is less than :30 on the clock to score your lone 2nd half touchdown.  The Futile Touchdown is always a nice touch.  Maybe next year, Seahags.


Bengals lead.  Bengals lose.  Losing with :36 ticks left on the clock always makes one feel a little more Ohio Orange.  The Orange Brotherhood sweeps the weekend again. 


The Broncos were 3-1 at one point.  Really.  They just keep moving up the standings.  Just one game behind the Colts (3-7) now.  They play Indy on December 14th.  Gotta keep focus.  

Visit us at:


Need a car to get there? one in your neighborhood on Getaround. Sign up today, and enjoy $50 off your first trip:[Sponsored]

The Doormat Division: 0-for-Niners!




                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-9           143      239     -96

NY GIANTS               1-7           129      207     -78

TAMPA BAY              2-6           158     198     -40

CHICAGO                 3-5            134     171      -37

DETROIT                  3-4            176     169      +7



                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-8          119      202      -83

INDIANAPOLIS         3-5          162      260      -98

CINCINNATI              3-5          129      158      -29

DENVER                    3-5          150      198      -48

LA CHARGERS         3-5          150     152       -2

HOUSTON                 3-5           229     208      +21



You know, if you look at Whiner QB C.J. Beathard’s name right, it all makes sense.

 Separate the ‘t’ and the ‘h’ and you get five sacks, 16 hits, flurries of hurries and…new QB acquisition Jimmy “Chisel Chin” Garoppolo got a real close look at the 49er offensive strategy yesterday, and what really must have impressed him was, even though Beat-hard is a human punching bag, when he does get time to throw, he has a wide array of receivers ready to drop any pass thrown, any time, however accurate. These guys are wearing clown gloves. But, really, when the O-line is so porous that the ineffective running back blocking gets to shine almost every play, why would you even EXPECT to get a pass thrown anywhere near you?  It’s just a lot to ask. 

The O-fer-Niners are now the first team to 0-9, as the Browns could not keep pace yesterday, because they just didn’t play. Enjoy it while you can, Whine-boys, because next week the NY Giants (1-7), come to the Most Expensive Empty Stadium in football, and, believe you-me, the Giants are not leaving until they get another loss in the bag. BE THERE. 



What a two-fer!  Giants coach Ben McAdoo craftily suspended top DB (Janoris Jenkins) this week and the team responded by getting Ram’s QB Jared Goff career highs in yards (311) and TDs (4). The rest of the team picked up on the spirit of the thing, and got Jimmy Hoffa’d (buried in their own stadium) 51-17.  Last time they got shellacked like that? 52-21 in 1964 against the…Cleveland Browns, the last time the Browns won a game. Or so it seems. This game was truly a changing of the guard.

Now, please rise and remove your Doormat Team cap of your choice, raise a dented can of your favorite minty beverage and give a lusty cheer for the exit of one our longest standing members, The LOS ANGELES LAMBS!  Holy God of Mercy, they’re GONE. Without a winning season since 2003, the Lambs have the blue and white helmets back on, and look…they look great. They’re having fun, and there are tears of joy in the stands.  Though only 6-2, and the requisite is you have to guarantee a minimum 8-8 finish, these guys are not coming back this year.  Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!



Well, here’s your second half of the season team that won’t be anywhere near a mile-high in altitude any time soon.  The Chargers may have a rough time finishing last in their own division, at this rate.  The Buncos are now in rotating mediocre QB mode. Spinning slowly in the Rocky Mountain breeze….brr.


The Indiapopolopolis Colts, supposedly the worst team in the league, now have 3 victories, and are 3 whole games behind the Browns for the AFC Doormat crown.  The Moldy Carpet Trophy…fading hopes.  Now that starting Texan QB Deshaun Watson is on the sideline, the Toxins don’t have to listen to fan complaints about how they aren’t using him right. They can toss someone far less talented out there and get back to losing to anybody on any given Sunday. Watch for the Texans to finish lower on the totem pole than the Colts in the AFC South. 



Well, if the Browns aren’t playing, an Ohio team has to pick up the Orange Banner, and wave it…vigorously.  And open the windows, whew!   8 first downs, 148 total yards, 7 punts, multiple fights, a couple chokeholds and our FIRST team under 20 minutes possession time this year – 19:46!!!  It was way messier than a Browns loss, but not everyone can be so professional. Way to step UP, Bungles!


The Bucs (2-6) brought their fascinating train wreck to the Big Easy yesterday, and I hope their fans found a good oyster po’ boy sandwich somewhere in town, and a decent mint julep with an excellent shot of bourbon in it. The Bucs though, man they looked like they had 7 or 8 Hurricanes the night before, each with a more absurd straw as the night wore on. Oh well, another bunch of green horn tourists that can’t find a real jazz club OR the end zone. Put it in a go-cup and head back to Florida. 


During this game last night the red phone rang, and it was, of course, our Commissioner on the line. He had a few thoughts:  1. Raiders receiver Amari Cooper, who apparently can’t catch a pass, but can catch a grounder (onside kick), should switch over to playing SS for the A’s. After all, he’s familiar with the infield.  2. The Raiders have talent, but no focus. They may yet still be with us in the Basement come January. 3. Miami is not much of anything but an opponent every Sunday. 

And, there you have it- the goal of half the league in the NFL is to be…an opponent on Sunday. Might as well wear hideous all-teal uniforms and live in Parity, because once the playoffs show up, your best shot is to be that team that ‘has no business’ being in the playoffs. But you see- they DO. They represent the majority interest in the league (and, often the Doormat Division as well), and deserve a seat at the table in January, however brief. They are the fatted calf of the playoffs!  Sacrifice is the spice of life.


The Porkers have had a whole week off to dis-prepare for this entry attempt into our league. Let’s see what they can not do tonight against the often-accommodating Kittens, another team teetering on making the Bears relevant. The NFC North, the division bent on making the Vikings winners. 

aaaAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!!

The Doormat Division, midseason: TWO 0-8 teams!



At 6:30 a.m. yesterday morning, I stuck my head out of the sleeping bag and fumbled in the dark for the remote, scattered somewhere on the green shag carpet, rolled over on the duct-tape sofa, and tuned in this Spotted Dick of a game. I felt like a toad-in-the-hole, all right, but I had a job to do. This was the BROWNS in LONDON.

Now that it was evident, even in the off-season, that the Jaguars, London’s favorite lousy team, were going to climb out of the Basement to Parity glory, the booking office in London had to line up a new Doormat to stumble into Wembley stadium and put a packed house of football fans wearing just about every NFL jersey except the ones the teams on the field are wearing into a stupor.  And who better to carry the Banner of Bad but the Browns?  Nobody, that’s who.

Two weeks ago, we pleaded with the Browns to change their name — and we’ve got it. The Three-and-outs! The Blank Helmets can get rid of footballs so fast, the defense doesn’t actually make it to the Gatorade table to get a decent glass of sherry (things are different in London) before they hear that familiar sound of a football being kicked sky high — FOOMP! Get back on the field!

Despite this artful method of wearing out their defense until it turns to orange sawdust every game, the 3-and-Outs were in a battle yesterday, as the Vikings were game to lose one in Jolly old England. They handed over the ball on the first possession and, shocked by the development, the Browns scored immediately. Wow!  But they pulled themselves together and missed the extra point, saving face.



                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-8           133      219     -86

NY GIANTS               1-6           112      156     -44

TAMPA BAY              2-5           148      168     -20

CHICAGO                 3-5            134     171     -37

ARIZONA                  3-4            119     191     -72



                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-8          119      202      -83

INDIANAPOLIS         2-5          142      246     -104

NY JETS                    3-5          157      186     -29

RRRAIDERS             3-5           169      190    -21

CINCINNATI              3-4           122      135    -13

After a measly field goal and a hard half of 3 and Outs and punts, both teams inexplicably put together successful plays and SCORED TOUCHDOWNS. The Vikings fought back with their own missed extra point, at least giving anybody not watching the impression that it was nearly an all-field-goal kind of game. Somehow, the Browns were ahead, 13-12. 

But, good old half-time — the moment when Doormat teams pull themselves together- arrived!  The Brownouts, the Blank Helmets, the 3-and-Outs…they united as a team, and did this after the break:  fumble, give up FG, missed field goal, field goal (whoops!), give up TD (payback), punt, Give up another TD, punt, punt (all 3 and Outs!), downs, and…END OF GAME. 

The 3-and-Outs have arrived at 0-8, and look unstoppable.  The Moldy Carpet Trophy…they can almost smell it. I can. It’s over there by the washing machine (it doesn’t work).

49ers 10, EAGLES 33

Let’s not get carried away.  Back in the states, the Whiners already knew the results in London, and wasted no time in Philly, racing out to a 0-17 deficit by halftime, and it might as well have been 34-0, with the kind of performance coughed up in the City of Brotherly Booing.  Even with 5 punts and an interception, the Whines could only fall behind by 9 points midway through the 2nd quarter.  But the Niners know how to break the dam open, and right after the Eagles first TD, rookie QB C.J. Beathard pulled off a pick-six and got the Eagles up 17-0 for halftime. The usual halftime rally was unnecessary for this one, and it was an easy coast the rest of the way. Eight punts for the 49ers, the most in the league yesterday.

The Whiners are now 0-8 for the first time in franchise history, besting the 1-7 start by Bill Walsh’s 1979 squad. So, Coach Kyle Shanahan has already surpassed the legendary Walsh on one score. Clearly an indicator of great things to come. Cough.


This is a really difficult stat to look up, but I honestly can’t remember ever seeing this.



Locked in an incredible struggle for second place in the Doormat AFC, the Clots and Bungles duked it out for 53 minutes, until Colts QB Jacoby Brisset cashed in a pick six at his own 16 to nail down the loss. Stunning to think the Clots are thought to be the worst team in the league, but are 2 whole games behind the Brown-and-Outs. They just can’t get any respect.

MIAMI 0, BALTIMORE 40 (Thursday)

Absurdly 4-2 before this game, we now know why the Floppers fans were booing so hard for Jay Cutler to get the heck off the field, and let Matt Moore show his qualities. TWO PICK SIXES and a Fumble-six in his own end zone. 21 points from your QB, and no points scored. WOW!!  Fins still could lose 10 games, if Cutler can just stay out of the way (pretty amazing sentence, huh?).


When you have your first winning season (9-7) for the first time in 6 years, the fans like to assume that next year you’ll win even more…11-5!  We’ll be champions soon!  Ah, optimism. I guess it works for some people.  Doormat teams poke their heads above ground, see the glare of the sun, and come scuttling back to the Barcalounger and stale chips in the Basement.  Bucs 2-5 and looking very familiar.


Here come the Jets.  3-5 and lowering expectations all over New Jersey.


Yeah, sure the Bears are terrible. I say PROVE IT. Here come the Packers next week, with no Aaron Rodgers. Lose handily to these guys and we’ll consider writing you up.


There really is only so much room in the Basement on any given Sunday. The elbowing into the rumpus room by the Lions (Kittens) and the Rrrrrrraiiii….ders is really kind of party crashing, and we thought…I don’t know what we thought. At 3-4, the Kittens have to stay outside on the Patio by the grill, and monitor the coffee pot. But, with that totally shaky defense and turnover machine offense on display yesterday, the Raiders…we had to let them inside. 3-5 and in last place in the AFC West, we award them a stool at the mini-bar. Geez, guys, just don’t eat ALL the chips. 


The Doormat Division: The worst of the NFL

49ERS 10, COWBOYS 40

On a beautiful day for getting shellacked on your home field, the Red and Gold finally put together a complete game and stayed even with Cleveland at 0-7. Fumbled punts, failed 4th down attempts, followed up with 72 yard TDs the other way, five sacks, a field goal early, and then shut it down until a touchdown late in the 4th, wow…None of this ‘almost’ winning yesterday, they just flat out got whipped.  And what better day to do it than when you retire ol’ Dwight Clark’s #87, with Joe Montana and the rest of the crew in attendance?  Clearly, a homage to Joe and Dwight’s first year with the 49ers, when they finished 2-12.  

Now, we don’t usually single out too many players (except QBs, it’s their job), as Doormat excellence is a true team effort. But: One of the brightest Doormat stars of this outfit is #33, DB Rashard Robinson — The Human Penalty Machine. This guy can extend any drive for any team, and usually on third down in his own territory. Just tee up your best receiver, the Whiners will comply with single coverage (they gave up communicating weeks ago, anyway), and Rashard will be there to use said receiver as his personal pull-up bar anywhere on the field, as long as it’s five yards beyond the line of scrimmage. To lead the league in penalties, as the Whiners do, is of course a team effort, but we have to give credit where due. 

Otherwise, an offensive line that looks more like road kill, a rookie QB who tends to hold onto the ball (nice combo), and …QB CJ Beathard (who got sacked 60 times in his last 2 years at Iowa) has a very curious way of ‘avoiding’ the rush, which is, apparently done by turning left or right and running right into a huge lineman.  It’s new, I’ll give it that.

Wow, with this new level of commitment to losing, it’s only 2 more weeks and they will be the 0-fer-Niners. 



This was, we are certain, the Game That Wouldn’t End. Seven field goals, no touchdowns. And they took it all the way to 1:44 left in OT to put the Brown-out fans out of their miser- wait, that’s not right. The misery is a constant in Brownie land. They are neither in or out of the misery. It does not matter if the ball is in or out of the end zone. It is of no consequence.

The Browns DID have two drives of 10 plays that did not result in a turnover, so the suspense must have been insane. Luckily, the pressure was relieved with a field goal, and not a touchdown.

Blank Helmet Football prevailed over an inspired effort by the Titanics to hand the Pumpkin Heads their first victory and spoil a Perfect Season. The Browns worked the 2-QB tandem to perfection yesterday, with both Cody Kessler and Deshone Kizer sprinkling in interceptions when it got hypnotic with every possession ending with some kind of kick.  Browns 0-7 and look like 0-16 to us.  Don’t fire Hue, don’t fire Hue…



The Gnats led 7-3 at halftime, got a great pep talk, made some adjustments, took a nap, and returned to the field for the second half ready to get run over.  Now 1-6 and right on the 49ers heels.  The NFC Doormat crown is up for grabs. 177 total yards for the Flailing Giants, the team that is a living experiment in stasis.



10 first downs, 25 yards rushing, couple turnovers, 10 penalties, letting the Rams convert 13 of 19 third downs (!!!), give up 425 yards…the Crudinals may have 3 victories, but I think they can make that stand up and finish 5-11, easy. I mean, they DO have to play the Whiners next week, so even with Drew Stanton filling it at QB for Palmer, they are going to have to really tank it to lose that one.  Watch them try.



Good GOD, the Bills are 4-2.  Here come the Raiders, who pulled their feet out of the grill on the patio last Thursday.  Bucs are really interesting how they make futile comebacks, and then give it right back to the other team in the 4th quarter.  It’s new and creative.  The fumble at their own 33 with 2:20 left in the game, tie game, handing the Bills the victory (with chip-shot FG), was brilliant.  Bucs 2-4 and looking ready to come back to the Basement.  It’s scary and exhausting out there.



Colts keep their lead league in punting, racking up 7 more (not a ton, but respectable), and dialing up 10 sacks of their own QB.  Hey, when a play is working, keep running it.  Drive of the day: sack, fumble-sack, dropped pass, 4th and 23.  Punt.  Clots now 2-5, and really challenged to stay with Cleveland.  Good luck there. 



Welcome back Nyets!  Getting back under .500, and doing it against the completely improbable Dolphins, was magic. Leading 28-14, the Jets collapse against the great NFL secret weapon:  A BACKUP QUARTERBACK. Fins QB Matt Moore replaces injured starter, and fan boo favorite, Jay Cutler (cracked rib), Jets don’t pay any attention, and Moore whips two TDs out of his hat.   With the score tied 28-28, and :49 seconds left on the clock, the Jets take possession at their own 15 and smartly throw an interception on 1st down, alleviating the suspense, and lining the Flops up for a field goal even THEY can’t miss. Miami now 4-2 and….is that a mirage?  By the way, neither team stopped either team in the red zone yesterday 3-3 conversion for both sides.





Try as they might, the Bears just could not lose this game.  Geez, you get 5 first downs, throw only 7 passes, amass 153 total yards…and you win. You just gotta shake your head and move on.  Watch the video on Monday and see what you did wrong. Here’s what beat them: Pansies QB Cam Newton throws a pick-six, drops a fumble-six and engineers 4 arduous clock-eating drives that totaled 3 points (really minus-4, as one resulted in the fumble return for TD).  SORRY BEARS, you are going to have to try harder.  3-4 and getting ready for their Parity Division photo-op!



In a game that ended 14 times, the officials gave the Raiders one more try, and they WON.

And, just like that, the Raiders exit the Basement and are out on the patio, heating up a ‘dog. And just when we’d gotten the Barcalounger adjusted just like they like it. Oh well, it’s like having old lovers come around again- it just isn’t the same.  Let’s hope they STAY out there. 

Apologies for not writing about the Bungles.  So much ineptitude out there.

aaaAAAAAnd That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!