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Thursday, July 25, 2024

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Home Arts + Culture The Doormat Division, midseason: TWO 0-8 teams!

The Doormat Division, midseason: TWO 0-8 teams!

The worst teams in the worst league ever: welcome, Niners and Browns



At 6:30 a.m. yesterday morning, I stuck my head out of the sleeping bag and fumbled in the dark for the remote, scattered somewhere on the green shag carpet, rolled over on the duct-tape sofa, and tuned in this Spotted Dick of a game. I felt like a toad-in-the-hole, all right, but I had a job to do. This was the BROWNS in LONDON.

Now that it was evident, even in the off-season, that the Jaguars, London’s favorite lousy team, were going to climb out of the Basement to Parity glory, the booking office in London had to line up a new Doormat to stumble into Wembley stadium and put a packed house of football fans wearing just about every NFL jersey except the ones the teams on the field are wearing into a stupor.  And who better to carry the Banner of Bad but the Browns?  Nobody, that’s who.

Two weeks ago, we pleaded with the Browns to change their name — and we’ve got it. The Three-and-outs! The Blank Helmets can get rid of footballs so fast, the defense doesn’t actually make it to the Gatorade table to get a decent glass of sherry (things are different in London) before they hear that familiar sound of a football being kicked sky high — FOOMP! Get back on the field!

Despite this artful method of wearing out their defense until it turns to orange sawdust every game, the 3-and-Outs were in a battle yesterday, as the Vikings were game to lose one in Jolly old England. They handed over the ball on the first possession and, shocked by the development, the Browns scored immediately. Wow!  But they pulled themselves together and missed the extra point, saving face.



                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         0-8           133      219     -86

NY GIANTS               1-6           112      156     -44

TAMPA BAY              2-5           148      168     -20

CHICAGO                 3-5            134     171     -37

ARIZONA                  3-4            119     191     -72



                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-8          119      202      -83

INDIANAPOLIS         2-5          142      246     -104

NY JETS                    3-5          157      186     -29

RRRAIDERS             3-5           169      190    -21

CINCINNATI              3-4           122      135    -13

After a measly field goal and a hard half of 3 and Outs and punts, both teams inexplicably put together successful plays and SCORED TOUCHDOWNS. The Vikings fought back with their own missed extra point, at least giving anybody not watching the impression that it was nearly an all-field-goal kind of game. Somehow, the Browns were ahead, 13-12. 

But, good old half-time — the moment when Doormat teams pull themselves together- arrived!  The Brownouts, the Blank Helmets, the 3-and-Outs…they united as a team, and did this after the break:  fumble, give up FG, missed field goal, field goal (whoops!), give up TD (payback), punt, Give up another TD, punt, punt (all 3 and Outs!), downs, and…END OF GAME. 

The 3-and-Outs have arrived at 0-8, and look unstoppable.  The Moldy Carpet Trophy…they can almost smell it. I can. It’s over there by the washing machine (it doesn’t work).

49ers 10, EAGLES 33

Let’s not get carried away.  Back in the states, the Whiners already knew the results in London, and wasted no time in Philly, racing out to a 0-17 deficit by halftime, and it might as well have been 34-0, with the kind of performance coughed up in the City of Brotherly Booing.  Even with 5 punts and an interception, the Whines could only fall behind by 9 points midway through the 2nd quarter.  But the Niners know how to break the dam open, and right after the Eagles first TD, rookie QB C.J. Beathard pulled off a pick-six and got the Eagles up 17-0 for halftime. The usual halftime rally was unnecessary for this one, and it was an easy coast the rest of the way. Eight punts for the 49ers, the most in the league yesterday.

The Whiners are now 0-8 for the first time in franchise history, besting the 1-7 start by Bill Walsh’s 1979 squad. So, Coach Kyle Shanahan has already surpassed the legendary Walsh on one score. Clearly an indicator of great things to come. Cough.


This is a really difficult stat to look up, but I honestly can’t remember ever seeing this.



Locked in an incredible struggle for second place in the Doormat AFC, the Clots and Bungles duked it out for 53 minutes, until Colts QB Jacoby Brisset cashed in a pick six at his own 16 to nail down the loss. Stunning to think the Clots are thought to be the worst team in the league, but are 2 whole games behind the Brown-and-Outs. They just can’t get any respect.

MIAMI 0, BALTIMORE 40 (Thursday)

Absurdly 4-2 before this game, we now know why the Floppers fans were booing so hard for Jay Cutler to get the heck off the field, and let Matt Moore show his qualities. TWO PICK SIXES and a Fumble-six in his own end zone. 21 points from your QB, and no points scored. WOW!!  Fins still could lose 10 games, if Cutler can just stay out of the way (pretty amazing sentence, huh?).


When you have your first winning season (9-7) for the first time in 6 years, the fans like to assume that next year you’ll win even more…11-5!  We’ll be champions soon!  Ah, optimism. I guess it works for some people.  Doormat teams poke their heads above ground, see the glare of the sun, and come scuttling back to the Barcalounger and stale chips in the Basement.  Bucs 2-5 and looking very familiar.


Here come the Jets.  3-5 and lowering expectations all over New Jersey.


Yeah, sure the Bears are terrible. I say PROVE IT. Here come the Packers next week, with no Aaron Rodgers. Lose handily to these guys and we’ll consider writing you up.


There really is only so much room in the Basement on any given Sunday. The elbowing into the rumpus room by the Lions (Kittens) and the Rrrrrrraiiii….ders is really kind of party crashing, and we thought…I don’t know what we thought. At 3-4, the Kittens have to stay outside on the Patio by the grill, and monitor the coffee pot. But, with that totally shaky defense and turnover machine offense on display yesterday, the Raiders…we had to let them inside. 3-5 and in last place in the AFC West, we award them a stool at the mini-bar. Geez, guys, just don’t eat ALL the chips.