The Doormat Division: No upsets, just blowouts

Wow, this league sucks. The view from the basement as the NFL continues to crater

BROWNS 23, BUCCANEERS 26 (OT)

While you’ve been celebrating the Browns turnaround, someone over at Brownie headquarters has kept the vision. Yesterday the Blank Helmets kept the dream alive by losing their 24th straight road game, tying the NFL record set by, of course, the Detroit Lions (01-03). They get their shot at history next week in Pittsburgh. Yesterday’s loss wasn’t easy. The Brown-outs have now played in FOUR overtime games this season, one off the record. You can’t torture your fans any more than these guys are. 2-4-1 and still trying to climb out of the Basement. They will get there, but whoo boy it’s like going up El Capitan with your bare hands in full pads.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 7

NFC           W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona         1-6          92       184      -92

Santa Clara  1-6         158      218      -60

NY Giants    1-5         117      162      -45

Atlanta          2-4         167      192      -25

Dallas            3-4        140       123     +17

Philly            3-4         154      138       +16

AFC           W-L        PF        PA     DIFF

Oakland       1-5         110      176      -66

Buffalo         2-5          81        175     -94

Indy              2-5         189       185     +4

Cleveland    2-4-1      151      177      -26

Denver          3-4         165    164        +1

Jacksonville 3-4         116     146      -30

UPSET OF THE WEEK

There wasn’t one. Come ON, guys. Somebody?

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK (there were many)

Whelp, at some point the wild, high scoring close games had to give way. This week, a lot of teams took a break and just took a sound beating.

CARDINALS 10, BRONCOS 45

The shellackingest shellacking this season, really.  Implosive football.  We covered it on Friday morning.

BILLS 5, COLTS 37

Only the Bills could get buried by a team with a worse record than them.  That’s because it’s an illusion. The Bills OWN the basement this season. They’ve pushed the pigskin over goal line only twice in the last four games. They managed to score less than a field goal with a safety. They’re petitioning the league to play Canadian rules so they can get just get one point (with a kick-off thru the uprights) and call it “scoring.”

Things are so bad at quarterback that 14-year vet Derek Anderson is on the roster now…and started the game. Derek doesn’t really needto mentor Nathan Peterman, but he threw three interceptions anyway.

49ERS 10, RAMS 39

After last week’s exhausting struggle in Green Bay, where they almost won a game, the 49ers made a point and lost big at home to the team no one wants to lose to in San Francisco. That’s anyteam from L.A. That’ll send a message. Would this be a bad time to mention the Dodgers are in the World Series?

Whiners defense, when there is one, gets steamrolled straight down the field by the Rams O-line, which might be the best in the league. 49ers QB C.J. Beatenhard holds onto the ball and gets sacked seven times, throws two INTs, and he’ll be back next week, fans. Somehow.

BENGALS 10, CHIEFS 45

We knowthe Bungles aren’t a Doormat, yet, this season, but a 45-10 blowout kind of makes the scales fall from a lot of eyes in Cincinnati, I’m sure, fish or no. Stay tuned.  I can see the Bengals waving, from the alley, at the Jaguars by the grill on the patio.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

JAGS 7, TEXANS 20

The Jags have reached the magic moment where everyone refers to them as “reeling.” The REELING Gaguars benched fumble magician Blake Bortles, and Cody Kessler came in and fumbled and threw an interception, so at least they had continuity. Considering the eight turnovers by Bortles in the last three games, saying the QB position is “up for grabs” might not be the best term for Coach Doug Marrone to use. Jags locker room a real fun place these days.

TITANS 19, CHARGERS 20

They lost by one point to the Bills, why not by one to the Chargers? Once 3-1, the Titanics are now 3-4.

JETS 17, VIKINGS 37

The up and down Jets went for down this week, and the Vikings sneak into the lead in the NFC North, where 9-7 just might take the division this year.

COWBOYS 17, WASHINGTONS 20

Same here for the NFC East, with the Washingtonians climbing to the top of the heap, the Cowboys (3-4) and Eagles (3-4!) huddling around our grill out on the patio, looking longingly through the sliding glass door into the Basement. Try not to slobber on the glass, guys.

GIANTS @ FALCONS tonight in a rousing game of Monday Night Doormat.  Falcons should blow out the Giants, but…yeah, they should blow them out.

aaaAAAAAAAnd THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

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