I never bought into the idea of new year’s resolutions. It’s all about promising to do things you don’t want to do and probably won’t do anyway, on a random date determined by Pope Gregory XII in 1582. In a logical world, the new year would start at the Winter Solstice, when the Earth reaches a point in its orbit where days (in the Northern Hemisphere, anyway) start to get longer.
But: January 1. That’s the Gregorian Calendar.
So I don’t do resolutions.
But I love telling other people what to do… so here is my list of new year’s resolutions for everyone else.
For the news media and every politician in the state: Stop saying that San Francisco or California “needs to build more housing.” Stop at once. These days, the government builds no housing at all. Developers build housing. Governments can permit housing, but that doesn’t mean it will be built; that’s up to capital markets.
For all of my dear friends and neighbors who, like me, have companions of the canine persuasion: What happens off trail deep in the woods can stay in the deep woods. But in the city, please carry poo bags and clean up the sidewalk. That shit’s gross.
For everyone who is running for political office in 2024 and wants my support: Read this. Then we’ll talk.
For the folks from Marin who park their cars in SF residential neighborhoods and then call an Uber to the airport for a weeks-long vacation: Stop it. Dick move.
For everyone who uses the term “NIMBY:” Define what you mean (this? seriously?), or STFU.
For Buster Posey: You left Georgia to move back here, right? Quit dissing the city where your loyal fans made you a very rich man.
For the archbishop of San Francisco: Dude, we are so over it. Please retire and go away.
For Pope Francis: I man, fire his ass.
For the people in cars who are supposed to share the streets with bicyclists: Don’t honk your horn at me or try to pass me in a narrow lane. I’m pedaling as fast as I can.
For the San Francisco Chronicle and the local TV news stations: Everything that is going wrong in the city is not the fault of “progressives.” The mayor runs the show; don’t keep giving her a pass.
To all the stores that are using remote checkout systems: You aren’t paying me to do the work of checking and bagging my stuff; don’t expect me to use your robots.
For all the banks that keep advertising how customer-friendly they are: Then keep a few branches open in the neighborhoods, and have human beings answer your phones. Or are you only customer friendly to the rich?
For everyone who uses disposable ballpoint pens: That’s 16 million pounds of plastic waste into landfills every year. A $20 refillable fountain pen will last a lifetime, writes way better, and will and never become garbage. Just saying.
For those stores that keep Bud Light on the shelves way, way past the expiration date: Cheap beer goes bad fast. Don’t try to sell it to us Bud Light drinkers, we know better.
For Sen. Scott Wiener: Stop saying you are addressing the “affordable housing crisis” when you have done zero to get San Francisco more affordable housing money.
For Mayor London Breed: Demonizing the poor may be good politics right now, and it worked for Gavin Newsom, but it’s still really awful.
For the governor of California: Stop watching reruns of The West Wing; people are dying because of your fantasy.
For the restaurants that don’t give their servers tips from credit card purchases at the end of the day and keep them to later distribute, maybe, as income: Stop it, no fair.
For the people who go to these restaurants: Tip in cash, please.
For the senior administrators at SF State who want to cut faculty and classes: Cut your own massive raises first.
For all the very, very rich people (yes, Mark, Bill, Warren, and all the others who talk about giving most of their money to charity) and everyone who ever goes to Davos: Harvard doesn’t need your charity. Economic inequality is an existential threat, and the only solution is for you to pay higher taxes. Donate to campaigns and politicians who want to do that—or stop pretending you care.
For the San Francisco 49ers: You bolted to a stadium nobody likes and nobody can get to in Santa Clara. Maybe, for the Centennial Anniversary of Kezar Stadium, you can promise to play one 2025 pre-season game in the historic venue in your alleged hometown.
For all the white people who think you made it on your own and you shouldn’t be responsible for reparations: You’re wrong. Accept it.
For all the tech folks who think you made it on your own and the government is in your way: You’re wrong. Accept it.
For everyone who thinks the US can’t afford national health care, free education, and an end to homelessness: You’re wrong. It’s pretty easy.
Happy new year!
